Relationships, Learning, & Simplicity

Other things I found of interest in Bronnie's book include the discussions about relationships, learning and simplicity. Some of these include:

"While there was (is) definitely a need for compromise and commitment in any relationship, especially so if children are involved, it is up to each individual to maintain a sense of his or her own self.

Learning will always continue. It's not like you'll reach a stage of growth and say, 'Great. Now I can sit back, know everything, and cruise through every day without ever having to learn another thing'...So if the learning never stops, we may as well embrace it rather than resist it. Not one day goes by that I don't learn something new about myself. But I can do so now with loving kindness, by loving myself in an unconditional way, with no self-judgement. Laughing gently and lovingly also allows the growth process to be smoother.

In the end, what matters to people is how much happiness they have brought to those they love and how much time they spent doing things they themselves loved. Trying to ensure that those they left behind don't end up with the same regrets also became critical for many people.

The things you often think you need are sometimes the things that keep you trapped in an unfulfilled life. Simplicity is the key to changing this, that and letting go of the need for validation through ownership or through other's expectations of you."

As I said earlier, the book is just as much about Bronnie Ware's transformation as it was the story of the dying patients she cared for who shared their regrets. She has a lot to share about each of these regrets in the book and the people who shared them with her.

Regret #5

Finally, Bronnie writes about regret number five which is:

#5 - I wish I had let myself be happier.

One of her patients "was battling every day to stay positive for her friend, when all she wanted to do was to sob her eyes out every time she visited...I just don't know if I can deal with her sadness on top of my own, I can't carry that too. But you don't have to carry it...just allow her to express herself honestly by not changing the subject when she shares her feelings. She needs to say stuff and all you need to do is allow her to. You don't have to carry it as well. She's not asking you to do that. She just needs to tell you how much she loves you and she can't do it without crying or without you letter her...Soon after, there were many tearful conversations between her and her visitors, but the love that flowed was inspiring. Hearts were opened and though they were breaking in some ways they were healing too, through the expression of low now flowing."

One of the many blessings of Stu and I sharing his final weeks and months together is that we have some wonderful conversations about all sorts of things. These are very spontaneous conversations but bring peace and joy to both of us.

Regret #4

Regret number four Bronnie writes is:

#4 - I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

Can't remember where I read this but I believe people and things come into our lives when we most need them. To me that means that some people aren't meant to stay. I only have one friend I miss that I don't keep in touch with. She and I had a parting of the ways many years ago. I have tried to patch things up a few times but there is no interest there on her part.

Stu and I both have a few friends that have been in our lives for many years. We cherish these relationships and keep them close. He and I both have "friended" people on Facebook that we would never have kept up with and it has been great to know what is going on in their lives.

So I don't believe we have regrets in this area.

Regret #3

Bronnie wrote that regret number three is:

#3 - I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.

One of her patients said that "he hadn't really known himself until recent years, so (he) questioned how they (his family) could have stood a chance of knowing him anyway."

That is always the first challenge...knowing how you feel. Both Stu and I have come a long way in that regard but even though we are getting closer each day. I know we could both do a better job in expressing our feelings.

I also just finished reading Steve Jobs biography. Toward the end of the book he says:

"When you have feelings...like sadness or anger about your cancer or your plight, to mask them is to lead an artificial life."

Regret #2

Bronnie Ware says that regret number two is:

#2 - I wish I didn't work so hard.

She talked about many things in this chapter but the one that stuck with me most was this:

"People play the victim forever...but who are they kidding? They are only robbing themselves. Life doesn't owe you anything. Neither does anyone else. Only you owe yourself. So the best way to make the most out of life is to appreciate the gift of it, and choose not to be a victim...There is a fine line between compassion and a victim mentality. Compassion though is a healing force and comes from a plce of kindness towards yourself. Playing the victim is a toxic waste of time that not only repels other people, but also robs the victim of ever knowing true happiness. No one owes us anything...We only owe ourselves to get off our backsides, count our blessings, and face our challenges. When you live from that perspective, the gifts pour forth."

"When you are doing work you love, it doesn't feel like work. It is simply a natural extension of who you are."

More inu the next post.

The Top Five Regrets of the Dying

I just finished a wonderful book by Bronnie Ware called The Top Five Regrets of the Dying. She is an Australian author. Stu found the book on the Internet and his Hospice Social Worker bought it for us to read. It is a GREAT book and an easy read. It is as much about Bronnie's transformation as it is about regrets. The first regrest is:

#1 - I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

I think we can all get this one and have some places in our lives where we have lived true to others more than ourselves. Stu and I are both blessed to have lived our lives true to ourselves and still enjoyed the partnership we share and the journeys we have traveled. On the boat Stu use to say he was the Captain and I was the Admiral. He always has a colorful way of describing things that seems to be VERY close to the reality.

Earlier in the book Bronnie was at a turning point in her life and she came to the realization that: "The same force that balances the flow of the tides, the force that sees seasons come and go perfectly, and creates life, was surely capable of bringing the opportunity to me I needed...Trying to control the timing and outcome was a terrible waste of energy. My intentions were already out there and I had taken what actions I could. My only job now was to get out of the way."

I have so come to believe that in my life...trying to control the timing and outcome is a terrible waste of energy BUT I do believe that our INTENTIONS have everything to do with the outcomes.

I will post about the other regrets over the next few days.

Thought for the day

We have had lots of company over the last few weeks. We enjoyed them all. As Stu said they came to honor him.

One of my friends posted this this morning on her Facebook page and I thought it was appropriate for my blog.