Taking time to grieve

There is a wealth of information in the book On Grief and Grieving. There are several things that stood out to me including the following:

What is the difference between grief and mourning?
Mourning is the external part of loss. It is the actions we take, the rituals and the customs. Grief is the internal part of loss, how we feel. The internal work of grief is a process, a journey.

If you do not take the time to grieve, you cannot find a future in which loss is remembered and honored without out pain.

Those whom we have loved and who loved us in return will always live on in our hears and minds. As you continue on your journey, know that you are richer and stronger, and that you know yourself better now.

You have transformed and evolved.
You have loved, lost , and survived.
You can find gratitude for the time you and your loved one shared together, as short as that seems to have been. Time helps as you continue healing and live on.

Yours is the grace of life, death, and love.

Grief is the intense emotional response to the pain of a loss. It is the reflection of a connection that has been broken. Most important, grief is an emotional, spiritual, and psychological journey to healing.

There is wonder in the power of grief. We don't appreciate its healing powers, yet they are extraordinary and wondrous. It is just as amazing as the physical healing that occurs after a car accident or major surgery. Grief transforms the broken, wounded soul, a soul that no longer wants to get up in the morning, a soul that can find no reason for living, a soul that has suffered an unbelievable loss.

Grief alone has the power to heal.

The time we take following a loss is important in grief and grieving as well as in healing. This gift of grief represents a completion of a connection we will never forget. A time of reflection, pain, despair, tragedy, hope, readjustment, reinvolvement, and healing.

We are allowing the power of grief and grieving to help us to heal and to live with the one we lost.

That is the Grace of Grief.
That is the Miracle of Grief.
That is the Gift of Grief.

I highly recommend this book to anyone who is anticipating the loss of a loved one or has had a recent loss. It not only gives you permission to grieve it points out the absolute necessity and that we each go about it in our own way.

Grief is not finite

...grief is not finite. There is nothing static about loss; it keeps changing, just like we do.

The truth about loss is that the resurgence of old pain and grief has an important purpose. As the pain emerges, we find new ways of healing ourselves that may not have existed before. Return visits to old hurts are an exercise in completion, as we return to wholeness and reintegration.

Another loss is the old "you," the person you were before this loss occurred, the person you will never be again. Up till now, you didn't know this kind of sadness. You couldn't even have imagined anything could feel this bad. Now that you are inconsolable, it feels like the new "you" is forever changed, crushed, broken, and irreparable. These temporary feelings will pass, but you will never be restored to that old person.

What is left is a new you, a different you, one who will never be the same again or see the world as you once did. A terrible loss of innocence has occurred, only to be replaced with vulnerability, sadness, and a new reality where something like this can happen to you and has happened.

Above quoted from On Grief and Grieving. I so get the part about completion and the many layers of completion. It took me a long time to recover from two of my greatest losses. For years, I revisited both of these and found new levels of completion and yes I am not the same person I was before these occurred.

I can not even imagine the loss and grief I will feel on loosing Stu my best friend, partner and running buddy but I know from past losses and with the help of my friends and family that I will be able to pick up the pieces...to reinvent myself once again.

Roles We Play

There is a wonderful section in On Grief and Grieving about the many roles we and our loved ones play in each other's lives.

"We are wife, husband, child, and parent. We are also the bill payer, gardener, organizer, mess maker, student, teacher, cook, complment giver, criticizer and confidante. We may be the repair person, movie partner, travel companion, clothes chooser, car repairman, and on and on.

When a loved one dies all the roles they fulfilled are left open. Some we consciously or unconsciously take on ourselves. For other roles, we consciously or unconsciously assign them to someone else or someone may take them on. Still other roles may be left unfilled."

One role they talked about in the book is the unique gift of seeing the humor in any situation and making others laugh. I know I will miss the humor that Stu brings to our lives. The book went on to say how one can take on these roles. So I told Stu the other day that there is hope for me to be funny and add humor to the conversation.

Another role Stu plays in our lives is the person who handles all car things. Like repairs, tires, insurance etc. I told Stu early on that these were his jobs and he has gladly provided these roles for many years. I certainly will miss having these things taken care of.

"We all play many roles in our lives...You knew your loved one in a way that no one else ever did or ever will...Your task in your own mourning and grieving is to fully recognize your own loss, to see it as only you can. In paying the respect and taking the time it deserves, you bring integrity to the deep loss that is yours."

I am only beginning to imagine the loss I will feel without Stu in my life. May God give me and the people who love him the strength to grieve our loss in our own way and the ability to find peace as we travel this road.

Anticipatory Grief

I just finished the book On Grief and Grieving by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler. One of the first chapters is on Anticipatory Grief (AG) which is what Stu and I are both going through in our own way.

"when someone we love - or we ourselves - have a terminal illness. Anticipatory grief is the "beginning of the end" in our minds.

AG is generally more silent than grief after a loss. We are often not as verbal. It's a grief we keep to ourselves. We want little active intervention. There is little or no need for words; it is much more a feeling that can be comforted by the touch of a hand or silently sitting together. Most of the time in grief we are focused on the loss in the past, but in AG we occupy ourselves with the loss ahead.

...we often think of it as part of the process our loved ones go through as they face their own death themselves. Yet for those who will survive the loss of a loved one, it is the beginning of the grieving process. Such anticipating may help us brace ourselves for what is to come, but we should be aware that the anticipation of an event may be just as powerful as the event itself.

...Experiencing AG may or may not make the grieving process easier or shorten it."

I began my anticipatory grief a few years ago when I became very present to Stu's decline while I was attending a seminar that he was unable to complete. Of course, this grief has intensified for both of us since he was diagnosed with lung cancer and chose not to have chemo.

We are truly enjoying our time together even more and it a joy and a blessing for us to have these final days and months together. Once again my love...you will be missed by me and many others.

Embracing Dying

I Googled "being present and dying" and I found one really GREAT piece by someone named Night Owl which I will quote from and include a link to the whole article. Stu and I talked last night about "being present" at this time. You have to choose every day to be in the NOW not worry about the future or fret about the past. Relationships become much more important when you or a loved one know they are dying. To quote a few paragraphs of what Night Owl wrote.

Everyone dies their own death, and being with someone who is actively dying, while focusing on being present to what they need, moment to moment, and learning to still the endless chatter of one's own ego fears - this is the gift the dying give to the living...

While it is impossible to not have opinions, judgments, attitudes, hopes and fears while being with someone who is dying, the work of focusing on their needs, their life, their wants, while setting your own aside for this time, is a spiritual discipline worth doing. And as you hone your ability to focus in the present moment, ground, center, attend to the needs of the person dying, even when it is yourself, dying becomes a ritual that rivals birth in its sacred presence.

The whole article is much longer and a link follows:

http://www.widdershins.org/vol1iss5/s13.htm

I am sure I will find and read many more things that are inspiring and help Stu and I both be present, at peace and remember that dying is the last phase of growth. From my perspective, Night Owl said another thing that sums it up.

The dying hold up a mirror to our hearts and give us an opportunity to see ourselves....This is the gift the dying give the living.

Hospice and Grief.com

It has been very busy here. We are going through the process of getting set up with Hospice. This has been a blessing already. Stu got a companion wheel chair and a walker. He doesn't use either every day but it is nice to have them available. They also changed out his oxygen provider. After discussion with his case manager we decided it would be a good idea to get a hospital bed now rather then later. It has turned out to be a GOOD decision. He can raise the his head if he starts coughing. Slade (nephew) and Jenny (my sister) helped us get everything moved around for us to get this in the bedroom when they were here last week.

I have been following Marianne Williamson for years. She had a notice this week about a Grief seminar which linked to Grief.com. This is a GREAT site that has a lot of resources and points you to many more. It reminded me of a book to read by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross which is On Grief and Grieving. I reserved it at the library and will be starting it this week.

Stu is still able to go out and enjoy the beautiful Arizona weather and eating out. The convertible is always fun at this time of year.

In joyful partnership
Cathy