Anticipatory Grief

I just finished the book On Grief and Grieving by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler. One of the first chapters is on Anticipatory Grief (AG) which is what Stu and I are both going through in our own way.

"when someone we love - or we ourselves - have a terminal illness. Anticipatory grief is the "beginning of the end" in our minds.

AG is generally more silent than grief after a loss. We are often not as verbal. It's a grief we keep to ourselves. We want little active intervention. There is little or no need for words; it is much more a feeling that can be comforted by the touch of a hand or silently sitting together. Most of the time in grief we are focused on the loss in the past, but in AG we occupy ourselves with the loss ahead.

...we often think of it as part of the process our loved ones go through as they face their own death themselves. Yet for those who will survive the loss of a loved one, it is the beginning of the grieving process. Such anticipating may help us brace ourselves for what is to come, but we should be aware that the anticipation of an event may be just as powerful as the event itself.

...Experiencing AG may or may not make the grieving process easier or shorten it."

I began my anticipatory grief a few years ago when I became very present to Stu's decline while I was attending a seminar that he was unable to complete. Of course, this grief has intensified for both of us since he was diagnosed with lung cancer and chose not to have chemo.

We are truly enjoying our time together even more and it a joy and a blessing for us to have these final days and months together. Once again my love...you will be missed by me and many others.